Scene 1: Dial Tone...

Cast:
Me - Me
Tony - Recruitment Agent

Me: Heya doin Tony, it’s Philious Phogg here. How are you?

Tony: Oh, hi Phogg, yeah good thanks, how are you?

Me: Yeah not too bad, not too bad. Just giving you a quick ring to see if you have any updates?

Tony: Yeah nothing at the moment, it’s still pretty quiet out there…

Me: Tony for fuck’s sake I need a fucking interview. You’re pissing me off. Look at your computer, pick a job and fucking put me down for it. I’ll fucking do it. I’ve got hands and legs and eyes and ears. I’ll sit down at a desk and do it. If I don’t know how to do it, I’ll learn how to do it. And I’ll be fucking good at it. I was good in my last job, damn good. Ring them, ask them. They know.

Tony: Well in fact there is one role we have…

Me: That’s a bit more fucking like it Tony, now what’s the job?

Tony: Well it’s with the…

Me: Yeah just put my fucking name down for it Tony. How much does it pay?

Tony: They are looking at around…

Me: Ah Tony you’re pissing me off. Just put my fucking CV through for it and make sure I get an interview. And fucking well ring me back about the interview yeah? Now how’s the missus and the kids?

Tony: The wife is fine but the girls are getting a bit overweight for their wage.

Me: Jesus, Tony will you watch what you’re feeding them? They’re fucking overweight because you’re feeding them shit and they’re not getting any exercise right?

Tony: Yes you’re right, but it’s Mary, she’s giving them lunches with too much junk food, and then gets fast food far too often.

Me: Tony whip the wife in line yeah? A bit of proper order here, these are your daughters for fuck’s sake. Tell the missus to get off her lazy arse and make them some sandwiches and cook some proper dinners for them. I bet she’s on the phone to her friends half the time she should be in the kitchen doing a bit of proper catering.

Tony: She’s got a lot of friends…

Me: Well she can fucking well make time for her friends outside of family time. Tell her the fucking kids are overweight and she has to stay off the fucking phone to make sandwiches. How’s your sex life?

Tony: I’m happy with it.

Me: Yeah? How many times a week do you do it?

Tony: I’d say twice, usually at the weekend.

Me: What?! It should be double that at your age. I’ve seen you, you’re a young man. You should be whacking it into her every second day at least. Does she orgasm?

Tony: I’m not sure about that.

Me: Well make sure she fucking does. Get some proper action going man. Try a bit of foreplay, do some new positions, buy a book about it. And get yourself in shape too. Now how’s the car going?

Tony: Oh she’s a beauty.

Me: Yeah? Any problems with it?

Tony: No it’s been great since I got it.

Me: Yeah? When did you get it?

Tony: Oh a year ago now.

Me: What kind of car is it?

Tony: Audi A4.

Me: That’s a nice fucking car Tony. How many miles to the gallon do you get?

Tony: Forty I reckon, but I’m not measuring it.

Me: Well fucking measure it Tony, it’s a simple calculation. You don’t know how inefficient your car is. Forty, ah Jesus forty? That’s fucking shit Tony. You’re driving it in the city all the time, what the fuck do you need a big car like that for in the city? Chip the fucking engine, you’ll get way more out of it. You couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery Tony, you’re fucking useless. I have to go.